2 years of being a stay at home mom and I feel a deep shift occurring in the way we do life. And it’s such a shame as I just settled into Stay at home mommy-dom. Cherish it, it goes by fast!
I was ACTUALLY being ok with being a full time mommy.
I spent the first year of my child’s life completely bewildered honestly. Like what, in, the actual HELL is happening and WHY do I feel SO RESTLESS!
I had no clue.
Even though I CHOSE to stay at home with my daughter, and I LOVED being with her, there was so much existential pressure, and I had A LOT to learn about myself.
I felt SO much PRESSURE to deliver income from home when all I REALLY wanted to do was hold, cuddle and be with my baby but my radars were SCREAMING, “MAKE MONEY NOW!”.
I just couldn’t relax. As if I was doing something WRONG.
I also couldn’t figure out why my baby hated the car, she DID NOT like being in her baby swing or put down in ANY artificial mechanism for that matter and definitely DID NOT wanna leave my boob or the comfort of my arms at any time.
And that was ALL so intense and overwhelming as I did NOT grow up in a cuddly, snuggly household growing up and as an adult, I actually couldn’t stand being very close to anybody physically for long periods of time. Not even my husband then.
I LOVED her, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t understand her. Or the way I wanted to BE a mother.
My IDEA of her, and who she actually WAS were SO different.
And I didn’t know it.
I didn’t even know HOW I wanted to mother her until we were forced out on our own, into a our own space, in this weird in-between space and things started getting crazy.
She taught me about me.
My baby FORCED me to understand her, and myself for that matter.
I couldn’t STAND another 3 hour tantrum before bedtime!
This is just who she is, they’d say.
And you could FEEL the color leave my face.
How could this BE!!!!!??
There HAS to be something WRONG with her.
I had to get bitch slapped in the face by a child occupational therapy evaluation that said everything was fine.
She was SMART. THE GIRL IS SMART.
Nothing wrong there.
SO WHY was my baby seemingly in horrific PAIN all of the time?! What’s WRONG with her?!
“Wait a minute, shit!” I remember saying to myself.
“I sound like MY MOTHER!” Gasp! “There’s something wrong with ME! NOOOO!” My world spiraled down. I wasn’t perfect.
And that’s where it all started.
My own healing. My own willingness to flip the script inside of my head of who I WANTED my child to be vs. who she actually is and loving ALL of her in that. But first it started with loving ME.
And it’s transformed me and it continues to transform me as a mother, wife, and as a friend.
I’ve HAD to look harder at myself if I wanted a healthy, loving relationship like I always dreamed of between me and my baby and if I wanted to cultivate and intimate, loving relationship with her throughout life.
I had to FIND myself in order to understand her and her needs.
I’ve had to OWN my gifts, OWN my power, and STEP IN SO far without a choice as I KNOW this all will help me help her.
Through my work I can help and facilitate healing for me and my family as there is still SO much I do not understand about my baby and myself for that matter.
But I’ve HAD to LOVE myself SO deeply before I could tend to her needs, and I had to LISTEN to myself and what she was saying to me through HER feelings.
I had to listen SO deeply in a way I never felt I could before because I was buried so deep in thoughts, my worries, my pains and my “perfection”.
I wasn’t hearing her correctly.
SHE was me.
It was me that was a mess all along.
Motherhood healed me. And I’m happy I listened.
I’m happy I’m still growing, and embracing all the imperfections along the way.
This is the messiest business I’ve ever been in. And I’m grateful for it.
It’s forever humbling, and sometimes very rewarding.
What are your feelings about Motherhood? How has motherhood shaped you?
Are you afraid of being a mother?
I’d love to know how you feel.
Please join me and other incredible mothers as we navigate this together.
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